In my dreams, I fly.
My daddy flies in his dreams too. He's always told me it's a characteristic of creativity. A sign of freedom from stress, a worry free soul.
And it's not like soaring. You feel a drift coming on and you jump very lightly into the air, almost like bouncing. The breeze picks you up and you're soaring for a bit, but you control your movements to take you where you want to go, and you eventually come back to the ground. Not everyone else in my dreams can fly either, or sometimes they just don't know how. I was playing volley ball once and felt a breeze, so I hovered right over the net and a couple of people gasped. haha. And it feels so nice. So real. It's so much fun, and for that moment I am free.
Last night, I walked up to a large stone building. Almost like a large cathedral of sorts. I saw some of my friends, just hanging out and talking together, scattered throughout the courtyard. It was dark, night time. I felt a breeze coming on and decided it would be fun, so I jumped and did a few somersaults in air as flew up to the highest ledge and landed there. All the sudden I was scared. I couldn't get back down, and it was a very small ledge. I yelled down to Emma for help, she was not too far away on a ledge beneath me, that looked almost exactly like mine. But she wasn't trapped. She didn't hear me at first and I curled up into a ball for a bit. I was so afraid I would fall off, some how I never thought of how ridiculous it was that I didn't just float to the ground a few stories down. That's what I usually would do, or so I thought... Eventually, Emma found a rope, and decided to try it out for herself first. She made it all the way to the bottom and threw it back up to me. I climbed cautiously down and I don't remember much after that.
I sat at the computer that morning thinking about what it was that made that dream, so... different. The thing was, flying had never been scary for me before. It always meant joy. But this time, in this dream, I got caught in the middle of my flying, paralyzed by fear.
This summer has been one of the hardest for me, I suppose it only gets worse as you get older. But I've felt truly afraid, for the first time in a long time. Not since I was little and Sean would come home from boyscout camping trips to tell me creepy ghost stories have I been afraid. Scared. Sad. But not afraid.
I have just hit the realization, a full one, that the way of life I've chosen isn't easy. My life is going to be pretty difficult. These are the times when I wonder if this is just one moment that everyone goes through? but my reaction is fear. Fear is a lie of course, so could my life really be so hard? It could be, but more than likely the devil is just trying to spook me into an "all or nothing" feeling. But Emma was right beneath me. She was in the same position that I was, but she wasn't trapped. She was free, but the lies came for me and stopped me. Via; fear. They told me that my life was going to be too hard, they wasted my time by having me mull over for so long, and then left me empty and dispirited.
If I can't do it than why bother trying, right? However, I am comfortable living with the knowledge that if my God didn't exist then all meaning to life would cease to exist too. And uhmmm... newsflash! he still exists! haha, So It must be the focus of my life for me to understand. He has given me all the talents and graces that I need to carry me through this life, all that's missing is trust, which I will try my best to hand over.
Stop and remind yourself today that if he hadn't died on that cross, all his love wouldn't do us half the good we let it. If he hadn't conquered death, no one would have. and we would have died perpetually. And although it may sound and seem arduous, I intend to live perpetually. By way of dying.
